My Only Fear
by AliasOfWestgate
Summary: Companion piece to Not Enough, Hakkai's thoughts on Gojyo one again. R&R!


Hello everyone, 

Back again! This time with a follow up that came around after Not Enough.  I can't seem to go with Gojyo talking about something without Hakkai insisting to get his say in lately.*sweatdrops* It's nearly as bleak, I'm warning you now..

I seem to be on a dark turn lately, so enjoy it. The angst aspect of this couple decided to make itself known again. Don't worry, the comedy will be back.*grins sheepishly* Life is slowly gaining some semblance of sanity again, so Daijoubu though of you craving comedy instead of angst. 

Rating: PG 13 or so. Talk of blood, very adult themes and thoughts. 

Disclaimer: All Gensomaden Saiyuki characters belong to Kazuya Minekura-sensei, or I'd not be in university, ne? 

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My Only Fear

By AliasOfWestgate

_I see the roots growing beneath his skin. He groans in pain as they take over his limbs. His crimson eyes crinkled in pain that I can't heal. That I can't stop, because I'm afraid. Afraid again as the reedy voice is once again in my ears. Once again mocking me, for the lone reason that I care for the one being tortured. I hear the solid sound of a Smith & Wesson cocking to fire. The shot goes off before I can protest, only the orders echoing in my mind to heal him NOW! I smell gunpowder, and I see the blood, crimson as his hair; fly from his mouth as he writhes in more pain than before. Then everything turns green. _

I gasp awake as the moon's pale light shines down on me. I gaze around our camp again, as I try to regain my senses. Another wayside stop, on our endless journey to India.  I can't let the image go this time. His near death reminds me how much I do care for him, yet I can't let the one thing I want the most now, which is his arms around me, be known.  Because I'd shown that bit of caring. Chin Isou had seen our kiss last year. The only one I'd allowed, ever in the near 4 yrs we've known each other. 

It was inevitable to happen, and he's the one person in the world who asked nothing of me in the world. So much like dear Kanan, who never questioned so many aspects of myself and let me simply be.  I even remember him mourning for me; cutting his hair before he knew I was alive again, and taken the name he calls me by now. Yet like Kanan, I fear to lose him. Strong as he is, stronger than I am really. He keeps living, going on as if nothing in the world bothers him, makes him grieve.  Passionate, fiercely protective, and with an indomitable spirit that leaves me trying to keep up with him. I can bury my head in books day in and out, yet he is the one that remembers to bring me food when I forget. Late night card games for the sheer joy of it. Anything to pull me out of the cycle of grief that was, and in some ways, still is a part of me. 

I can't let go of her. She was too dear to me to bear. Our separation long ago as children made it even more painfully clear. It's made it so that even when she's been dead and gone, that I can't let her rest. The demons of my past still haunt me, in more ways than the fact that I **AM one now.  Kanan, dear Kanan…she still haunts me. Even with the prospect of the one person in existence that could replace her, I will never let her rest. **

His hair, which is redder than the sunset, falls over his sleeping face. Even the blue bandanna with "Joy" is off his forehead tonight, folded not far away, and stowed beside his pack. So the hair falls around the closed eyes that keep me here in this world, and a quiet sigh that is his sleeping sound wafts from his lips. I kissed those lips once, I know he remembers it. The man that revels in his senses enjoys the world for what it is, and what he can do in it. It's still something even I remember. Kissing another is not something done lightly. I did mean it when I did that, not so long ago. I want to go on, yet I'm afraid now, more than ever of losing him. Not in the way of Kanan's death, but the fact that someone could find out, and exploit it. As Chin Isou did.  I care for him more than he knows, but I keep this locked away only to keep us both from dying until this journey ends. I'll keep killing to keep him safe until then, when we can both finally let go. And maybe then I can let Kanan rest, while another protects me instead of me protecting him. 

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Owari! ^_~ 

Alias


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